National Pyjama Day 2023

What not to expect when you are expecting

What not to expect when you are expecting
What not to expect when expecting

As my son Evan turns nine, I have found myself in a reflective mood. Nine years of being his mum. It’s been a learning curve; that is for sure. Some were hard lessons, that took a while to learn.  When I was pregnant with him, I read all the books. What to Expect and all of those. Me and Gina Ford were best of friends as I knew the book inside out. I was approaching motherhood in a way that had always proven successful for me in the past. I would do all the reading, study hard and ace the practical. What I didn’t realise was, having a child is not like that (spoiler alert).

Evan came along and he was a brilliant baby. He was a great eater and a real smiler. According to everyone else, he was an “easy” baby and sure wasn’t I lucky.  However, nothing was going as I had planned it. The routines weren’t sticking, the lack of sleep was like nothing I’d ever experienced, and I was struggling with feeding him myself. I was told this was all “normal” and that I needed to persevere. I started to doubt myself, second guess what I was doing and unfortunately for me, I reached and passed breaking point.  Within a few months of having Evan, I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. Evan and I were on a tougher road than I had planned for. I did what I had become an expert at, I blamed myself and tried going back over everything to see where I could have done better. Caught up in an endless circle of what went wrong, it was a bleak time. I did some counselling which I found useful and there was one particular thing the counsellor said that really struck a chord with me. She said, ‘Evan has a part in this too, he’s a human being finding his way’. I know this sounds mad, but I hadn’t thought of it like that.  The counsellor suggested forgetting about pre-ordained routines and plans and maybe trying to get to know him. This was huge for me. Again, I know that sounds strange, getting to know your own baby, what a novel idea!

Time to reset and restart. Evan and I sussed each other out, got to know each other. Then I began to learn to be a mum and my teacher was Evan. Okay, so he didn’t have a nap at the same time every day for the same length of time, but I learned that he liked to have a bit of a play, then a bit of a feed, chill out and then sleep. Trying to get him to sleep when he hadn’t played or eaten, forget it! Okay, so we didn’t have set routines, but we established our own little patterns. I also learned he was as nosey as they come. Sleep in the buggy whilst I walked, no way Mum! There is so much to see so I am going to be looking all around me so don’t even try it.

Working as I do in Early Childhood Ireland, I now know that what Evan was teaching me was that he, like every other child, wanted to learn his way, establish his own identity, and have a say in how his day went. It wasn’t for me to tell him when to do everything but for us to learn together what patterns worked for us both so that he could grow and learn. Evan was showing me that he was a competent person in his own right.  I didn’t need to look at baby books to find out what he needed and most importantly wanted, he could tell me this himself in different ways if I was only able to listen. It wasn’t easy, I really struggled, and the self-doubt was at times overwhelming.  But over time, I learned from Evan to have confidence and to enjoy being a mum. It’s not about the perfect routine, it’s about having a relationship with your child.  That is what is important.  This is when the fun started and has kept going for these past 9 years.  Of course, it has been challenging for sure, but I know now I have a great teacher. Evan has a lot more for me to learn, and I know he plans on teaching me in his own unique way. Happy Birthday Evan and thank you, buddy, my giant!

Share this post

More to explore

International Perspectives on Early Years – part one

International Perspectives on Early Years – part one

A report by the UK Government on international perspectives in Early Years, published last year, looks at the aims and…
Policy in Action 26 March 2024

Policy in Action 26 March 2024

Oireachtas This week, we look at the work of the Oireachtas Joint Committee on Children, Equality, Disability, Integration and Youth…
257,000 children in Ireland are living in enforced deprivation

257,000 children in Ireland are living in enforced deprivation

257,000 children living in enforced deprivation Over 250,000 children in Ireland are living in enforced deprivation, according to the latest…

Share this post

More to explore

International Perspectives on Early Years – part one

International Perspectives on Early Years – part one

A report by the UK Government on international perspectives in Early Years, published last year, looks at the aims and…
Policy in Action 26 March 2024

Policy in Action 26 March 2024

Oireachtas This week, we look at the work of the Oireachtas Joint Committee on Children, Equality, Disability, Integration and Youth…
257,000 children in Ireland are living in enforced deprivation

257,000 children in Ireland are living in enforced deprivation

257,000 children living in enforced deprivation Over 250,000 children in Ireland are living in enforced deprivation, according to the latest…